There are casualties involved as with every war,in this war casualty was an Ego.But not mine.I killed mine the day I was reborn for the second time.Being separated from the placenta that was attached to me like icepicks are to roof during coldest winter storm ever,would qualify for a whole new level of fear but freedom as well.Self realization that the world does not turn around me,as we all believe it does.was astonishingly mind shattering .
Ego grew taller and bigger and louder.defending its self,arguing valid point,taking me to trilis.Biting me down to the pulp.But I said nothing Although I did plenty.My actions have cornered this giant and I said “Look at your self!You no longer dominate me and you are no longer part of my existence.Where i go you cant follow,on this road only willingly scared individuals can travel”Abashed,Ego stood in the corner.Wild and unpredictable like forest fire,like untamed beast,it wanted to clew at my fear ans self reassurance.,but the chain that was tied tight around its ankles and wrist prevented him to do so.Ohh have mercy,it wheped.Relies me and protect me within you sacred holy chambers.Without me you are nothing.Without me all you have is nothingness.
And from this vast nothingness I emerged.Hands full of nothingness,emotions loaded with numb sensations.Heart empty as a water wheal in some God forsaken 3rd world country.Beautiful naked and striped to the bones.I noticed that my skeletal system was strong and stable.
My foundations exsposed for the very first time in my existance.Shaky but good.Not so bad for an unstable temple.Now lets build.Let tear down all first,all the used shingles,all the broken windows,unused bath tub and overused tiolet.Phewww alot of ficies went down that drain.All the dusty curtans,all the burning stoves on which all sorts of conccanssions have been made and spoon fed to me by my beloved Ego,Mey God bless it soul.Its cleaning time.Rebuilding time.
I am not lonely,but I do so love my solitude.I learned to appreciate it,and love it and respect it.I am devout follower of my solitude .I bow to it.I give my bounty and thanks to it.I also play cards with it.Yes,just me ,my solitude and my cards.I ley them out according to the events that happened in the right order.Honestly and without hiding anything at all.
Well here it is “I reflect on all the past,all the present all the future.I kiss them all,give my thanks and then I place them in my ever burning furnace”. Ego ,however,never appears.It’s dead.May God bless its soul.
I also take trips with my solitude.Trips to my parents hunting and morbid mistakes.Where I was standing in the shadows of my mother and her ways.I see then,that my ways were in fact her ways.Identical but never really mine.I thank her for the gifts of loot,,but I respectably give them beck to her,saying,that I dont have an extra pair of hand to carry this.I have permanently fired my only help,Ego that is.In fact he has passed.May God bless its soul.Then I tell my mother my many thanks,That I love her and all the mistakes she has made while raising me.After all,she has made one right choice and decision.She has given birth to a Woman,me.Yes I am a woman by gender.Thank you.
Then I go to my father and tell him how blessed I am to drop him too.How his overpowering shadow has given me grim nightmares which in return had prevented me from dreaming.How his oblivious brutal honesty has hurt me.Correction,hurt my Ego,May god bless his soul.I am one tough nut.But I have given my self a promision to break that nut.Eating its flesh inside,my father says how it is bitter.”Wont you spice it up a bit he says,make it worth my appetite”And so I do without any further delay.I forgive my father.Thanked him and said “Now I leave you to your loneliness” For I must return to my solitude.
To all the men in my life.All my lovers that loved a perfection they saw in me,I say “Perfectionsit is bound to be neurotic,because perfection is not of this world.I am but a flaw of nature.I am not your perfection” They looked in a wrong place for a woman they wanted to love.It was not I they loved,but a sculpture of a prfection they wanted to sculpt.I thanked them all for their hard work and callises and sweat and pillars.That they have made a created in the process of their own redemption.Then I closed the door saying” I would transmit your many messages that you have prepered for my Ego,but you see,it has passed.May God bless its soul” I leave never to return again.
I have learned to love my sadness.When I was sad I let it fully embrace me and emerge into my very being.Loving it with every molecule of my being.Oh how I loved it.Then sadness said her many thanks giving me my prize at the end.Happiness.I said thank you but this was mine to begin with.You were just sly and hid it in a plain site,but I was foxy and noticed it the moment you have arrived.Sadness said “Right you are my friend,right you are”
Then I found Love.I was never really sure of its existence,but as perplexed and perpetual as she is,she knew never to show up at my front steps,not while my Ego was hard at work.Not while my Ego held all the rains.She gave me greeting only Love can give.She said” Child,May Lord bless your Ego’s soul.May it rest in peace” I know Love I know.Its what I have been telling everyone all this time.I killed him my self.I bloodied my hands with its flesh and my feet too while standing in its caucuses.May God bless its Soul,and Love,bless my soul,for I have died and have been reborn untarnished. ” I bless your soul my Child,now you are ready for my bounty” Thus spoke Love.